Despite my plans to work on some writing I ended up having two weeks of unexpected stress that meant I had to step up my Caregiving.
I have mentioned on many occasions about Sean's chronic pain issues and how we have been back and forth trying to find what he needs to get some semblance of comfort. Well he recently had a doctor change and so his new doctor was trying other meds on him to see if we could get some better control on his pain levels.
Initially when the plans were discussed it gave Sean some relief as he felt like someone was actually going to do something to help him with the pain instead of ignoring his complaints. He felt that finally he would get something strong enough so he could get around more and not be stuck in a chair so often.
Then when the med changes happened that relief turned into bitterness.
The stronger pain meds didn't help at all. In fact they actually did the reverse, they gave him even less pain relief. So, for the last two weeks he was pretty much stuck in his chair because even getting up to move to the bathroom was a feat.
Now on a normal basis this wouldn't be a huge deal as I have dealt with many a time where I had to handle more while he struggled, it just varied on what he was struggling with, depression, PTSD overload/shut down, poor sleeping, the chronic pain...you get the idea. The thing that made it so much more stressful this time was at the end of the month we have a party we planned to celebrate our Tenth Wedding Anniversary where people are coming in from out of town to attend. This means there is a list of things I need to tackle on top of my usual duties as wife, mother, Caregiver, and so forth.
That meant with Sean basically out of commission I would have to do everything and the thought alone was beginning to wear on my mental state.
It is one thing to do everything when it is just the normal daily routine, but when you throw on extra events and jobs it weights you down so much that you end up on your knees from the heaviness, pleading for some help.
That was me just a few days ago.
See, because of the fact that I take care of Sean I don't host dinners or parties. We have had a friend over for dinner once in a blue moon, but for regular gatherings and parties they require more in depth planning. They also usually involve more people and Sean does better with smaller groups and I will admit over the years I haven become more introverted. The only reason I wanted to do this party was because back when Sean and I married we said we would have some kind of Vow Renewal for our Ten Years. Granted back then we never expected him to be injured and end up disabled, but even in the last few years as this time drew closer I kept asking him if he still wanted to do the party. Every time I asked he always said yes, so we kept the plan.
Of course I also didn't count on the new stronger meds not to work for Sean and that lead to us spending two weeks where I watched the times tick closer to the date of our party, while Sean suffered in his chair and ranted on daily about how the VA doesn't care. Throw in the children constantly annoying each other like siblings tend to do and Spring allergies, I was feeling more and more overwhelmed about the whole thing and was ready to cancel the one party I had my heart set on for years.
Then as I said a few days ago it all caught up to me and I broke down in tears while venting my own frustrations on an already agitated Sean because of his pain weighting him down. It wasn't my finest hour I'll admit, but lately I seem to hold it in till I can't anymore. I need to learn not to do that as it isn't the most helpful thing. I just worry about adding to Sean's struggles. He already at times talks about how he feels guilty that he is such a burden on me and I don't like him thinking that.
I mean life is filled with burdens. If he was never injured we would have had other burdens holdings us down. Just because we have to live life differently from the pack doesn't mean I find him a burden. I love him dearly and honestly I am sure I'm not the most pleasant person to live with at times either. So, I tend to curb what I vent to him about, but then I don't exactly vent to too many others either. That is what I need to work on, finding better ways to ease my stresses.
Anyway, back to the day of my meltdown.
I cried and vented till my eyes ached and at first Sean didn't take it too well. For one the message I was trying to convey wasn't exactly clear and misconstrued by Sean understandably. Second, Sean was still hurting and anyone who has dealt with pain for any length of time knows just how much it can negatively affect one's mood. Still after I calmed down and was able to speak more clearly, we had a better stance on how we were going to move forward with the plans.
The next day we made calls to his doctor to discuss what we could do to correct the pain med issue. Unfortunately we never heard back from the doctor that day and I began to worry again.
Then that evening an unexpected call came through for me.
It was from one of the people who handle the quarterly check ins for those of us in the VA's Caregiver Program. She was asking how things were going and what we have been dealing with for this quarter. So, I went ahead and rambled on about the back and forth with the pain med issue, about how we have yet to hear from the physical therapist for the TENS unit consult, and how I am working on straightening out his counseling and psychiatric appointments. The lady who spoke with me was very nice and told me she would send some messages to help get the bug in some peoples' ears to try and get back with me.
The very next morning the nurse for Sean's doctor called and we managed to hash out a better plan for his pain meds. Later that afternoon the person of the PT department called and Sean now has his appointment for the TENS unit consult. We worked out his counseling appointments and I left a message with his psychiatrist. Then today the replacement tubing and mask for his CPAP machine arrived.
Now that things are moving along again, Sean is in a better mood, I am feeling better about getting things done, and excitement for our party has kicked back in.
The last two weeks may have been pretty rough but after speaking with that one lady, not only did things get back on track for us but also it proved that despite the many things the VA may have a bad reputation on, there are still some gems who work for them.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Tenth Wedding Anniversary
Ten years ago on this day, I stayed home from school during my senior year to get married two months before graduating.
I have told that to pretty much anyone who will listen. Mainly because it is a very important thing to me.
I was 18 and Sean was 20 at the time. There were a few objections due to age and such, but nothing was going to change our minds. We made a vow to each other and we planned to uphold it.
The next ten years put us through such a roller coaster.
During our first year of marriage we only saw each other for three months and only two months our second year, thanks to Sean being in the Army and leaving on his year long deployment to Iraq two months before our First Anniversary.
Now I had been dating Sean since February 3, 2001, so we pretty much already knew who the other was and what we were getting into when we married.
What we didn't count on were his injuries during his deployment and thus spending the majority of our marriage with him disabled.
It was a huge adjustment for the both of us. It even put a strain on our marriage at one point that almost had us divorcing.
We didn't though.
We didn't because I realized that what Sean needed wasn't me abandoning him, but for me to help him. He was in a very dark place struggling with his PTSD and physical issues. I didn't see that at first. I knew he was disabled but I struggled with understanding what was going on and it almost made me run away.
When we hit that bottom point and I told him I didn't think I could do it anymore, it was like something in his head clicked. That was when he reached out to me and not only showed me he needed me but also that he still wanted me.
I knew in that moment leaving wasn't the answer.
The answer was honoring our vows and working it out.
It meant relearning to communicate better.
Good communication is always key in any relationship, but in a relationship where one partner may have difficulty communicating it becomes priority.
That is where patience plays a huge part because it will take a while.
Over the years since that dark time Sean and I have spent a great deal of time and energy re-learning how to communicate with each other. It was another adjustment for us both because there are even still times where Sean has trouble explaining things or he isn't ready to, but we get there in the end. Because of this we have reached a place in our marriage where we are comfortable. We have a better idea of how to handle the tough situations and if we deal with something new we know how to work together to get through it.
There are many marriages and relationships out there that didn't make it or are stuck in that dark place that PTSD brings about and though we still have a great many struggles I certainly feel blessed that we can still keep moving forward.
Sean may be very different from the guy I met in high school and wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I may not have quite pictured my life to be this way. I still feel that I made the right choice this day ten years ago in marrying him. He is my soul mate through and through and I see nothing changing that fact.
Whatever the future years bring our way we shall face them head on together because as always to me, Sean is worth it.
And so is our marriage!
I have told that to pretty much anyone who will listen. Mainly because it is a very important thing to me.
I was 18 and Sean was 20 at the time. There were a few objections due to age and such, but nothing was going to change our minds. We made a vow to each other and we planned to uphold it.
The next ten years put us through such a roller coaster.
During our first year of marriage we only saw each other for three months and only two months our second year, thanks to Sean being in the Army and leaving on his year long deployment to Iraq two months before our First Anniversary.
Now I had been dating Sean since February 3, 2001, so we pretty much already knew who the other was and what we were getting into when we married.
What we didn't count on were his injuries during his deployment and thus spending the majority of our marriage with him disabled.
It was a huge adjustment for the both of us. It even put a strain on our marriage at one point that almost had us divorcing.
We didn't though.
We didn't because I realized that what Sean needed wasn't me abandoning him, but for me to help him. He was in a very dark place struggling with his PTSD and physical issues. I didn't see that at first. I knew he was disabled but I struggled with understanding what was going on and it almost made me run away.
When we hit that bottom point and I told him I didn't think I could do it anymore, it was like something in his head clicked. That was when he reached out to me and not only showed me he needed me but also that he still wanted me.
I knew in that moment leaving wasn't the answer.
The answer was honoring our vows and working it out.
It meant relearning to communicate better.
Good communication is always key in any relationship, but in a relationship where one partner may have difficulty communicating it becomes priority.
That is where patience plays a huge part because it will take a while.
Over the years since that dark time Sean and I have spent a great deal of time and energy re-learning how to communicate with each other. It was another adjustment for us both because there are even still times where Sean has trouble explaining things or he isn't ready to, but we get there in the end. Because of this we have reached a place in our marriage where we are comfortable. We have a better idea of how to handle the tough situations and if we deal with something new we know how to work together to get through it.
There are many marriages and relationships out there that didn't make it or are stuck in that dark place that PTSD brings about and though we still have a great many struggles I certainly feel blessed that we can still keep moving forward.
Sean may be very different from the guy I met in high school and wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I may not have quite pictured my life to be this way. I still feel that I made the right choice this day ten years ago in marrying him. He is my soul mate through and through and I see nothing changing that fact.
Whatever the future years bring our way we shall face them head on together because as always to me, Sean is worth it.
And so is our marriage!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
The Anniversaries That Make You Go :(
Usually if you mention the word Anniversary to someone they think of marriage, other romantically link dates (first kiss, engagement...etc), baby's milestones, and really just important dates in your life that fill you with such joy and happiness.
However, there are also other kinds of Anniversaries, the dark, black sheep of the Anniversary family. These are the dates of events you wish never happened or you could forget. These are the kind of Anniversaries that put military, veterans, and their loved ones on alert. You have Anniversaries of the death of fellow soldiers. Anniversaries often referred to as "Alive Days". Anniversaries to big events that ended in tragedy. There are others of course, but the point is these days lead to depression, detachment, anger, and guilt. These reactions could last only the day of the Anniversary, but they can also last for days and even weeks around this date. Some people have certain Anniversary dates that are just weeks apart that a whole certain time of year is a mess for them.
It isn't enough that we must keep an eye on our wounded heroes on holidays such as Christmas, because even what should be happy times can cause them a World of grief in this PTSD World we live in, but we also have extra dates through out the year in which we must stay on alert.
March hasn't been the best month.
This year you have the Tenth Anniversary of the Invasion of Iraq (March 19, 2003).
Then a week or so ago we learned that an Army psychologist Sean saw after his deployment had succumbed to his own PTSD. It of course left Sean feeling even more vulnerable about his own.
Then you have today.
Today is the Ninth Anniversary of the death of one of Sean's Army buddies.
Dustin Kreider
I never got to know the guy, the way I knew many of his other buddies and I am sorry for that, I heard he was a great guy.
Sean has been feeling this Anniversary pretty acutely and it didn't help that the other two things that came up this month were all crammed close to each other. It has left Sean very little time to process things. He has become reserved and quiet. He sits on his computer, playing Mass Effect multiplayer or watching YouTube videos as a distraction. Video games and YouTube videos have always been his go to things when he needs a distraction.
I have done my best to distract him. Ironically using another upcoming Anniversary date (a happy one) as my ammo. It has only helped a little.
It is difficult as the Caregiver and wife to sit by and watch him this way. Our son has asked him to play some video games with him but my husband has had to decline because his frame of mind isn't well. I've done my best to explain to Layn about what is going on and he tries to understand with his six year old mind. We have been blessed with a pretty compassionate child, but I know it doesn't make things any less difficult for him either. Of course due to Sean's inability to give our son the attention he requests it adds to his guilt.
When Anniversaries like this come up it puts me in a kind of inner struggle. Should I do more to help distract Sean? Should I leave him to work through it? Is there a balance of what I can do to help as well as let him work through what he needs to do? How can I make the children better understand? Then of course my own guilt in not being able to help much kicks in. It is a very annoying cycle that goes on in my own mind so I can only imagine what kind of cycle Sean's mind struggles with.
In the end though I usually settle for helping him talk through what he is feeling since bottling things up has never proved helpful. I give him the space he needs but at the same time show him the support too. When he feels ready, he talks. I've always felt communication is key in any relationship, but it really and I do stress on the REALLY helps us in our situation. I find when Sean can give me some insight of what is going on in his head, it helps me to be better able to guide him through the difficult times. When I am honest about how things are going for me, it allows him to find ways to be helpful during the times he feels alright enough to help. It brings back some balance to the relationship, balance that usually gets taken away when someone is disabled.
So, we had a chat. He mentioned how if someone like that Army psychologist could succumb to his PTSD what does that say about someone like him? He wondered if releasing his own inner demons years ago to this guy, ended up contributing to it? He talked about Kreider. He mentioned how he didn't think it was fair that he has a family and children and at times happy life and Kreider will never experience that. He even talked about how he is trying to not let it bother him so much, but it still seems to.
Then I shared my wisdom. I told him that we don't know what the psychologist's situation was. He may have lacked the support system Sean has. I doubt Sean's demons contributed because this was many years ago. Most likely the guy struggled to deal with his own demons while also possibly dealing with others' demons too and his mind lacked the ability to process it all. Either way we don't know, anything we could come up with would be pure speculation and it does no good to dwell on that. As for Kreider, it is difficult to not let it bother you. I asked him if he had been in Kreider's place, would he have not wanted Kreider to live a happy full life just because he could not? It is okay to move forward in life and to find happiness. The memory of those we have lost will always be with us and we will honor those people, but I personally believe that they would not want us to forget to live in our mourning of the loss of them.
It will always be tough to lose someone, especially when they are so young. It touches so many people in so many ways. Today is a day of remembrance for so many Blue Spaders like my husband and like every other Anniversary on the calendar it will be one day that is never forgotten.
Kreider may not be here with us today, but he lives on in his family, his friends, and his fellow Blue Spader brothers and he always will!
So, even though not every Anniversary we come across on the calendar is a happy one and we may have to treat these days by walking on eggshells, they are still days we must face.
And I won't let Sean face his alone.
However, there are also other kinds of Anniversaries, the dark, black sheep of the Anniversary family. These are the dates of events you wish never happened or you could forget. These are the kind of Anniversaries that put military, veterans, and their loved ones on alert. You have Anniversaries of the death of fellow soldiers. Anniversaries often referred to as "Alive Days". Anniversaries to big events that ended in tragedy. There are others of course, but the point is these days lead to depression, detachment, anger, and guilt. These reactions could last only the day of the Anniversary, but they can also last for days and even weeks around this date. Some people have certain Anniversary dates that are just weeks apart that a whole certain time of year is a mess for them.
It isn't enough that we must keep an eye on our wounded heroes on holidays such as Christmas, because even what should be happy times can cause them a World of grief in this PTSD World we live in, but we also have extra dates through out the year in which we must stay on alert.
March hasn't been the best month.
This year you have the Tenth Anniversary of the Invasion of Iraq (March 19, 2003).
Then a week or so ago we learned that an Army psychologist Sean saw after his deployment had succumbed to his own PTSD. It of course left Sean feeling even more vulnerable about his own.
Then you have today.
Today is the Ninth Anniversary of the death of one of Sean's Army buddies.
Dustin Kreider
I never got to know the guy, the way I knew many of his other buddies and I am sorry for that, I heard he was a great guy.
Sean has been feeling this Anniversary pretty acutely and it didn't help that the other two things that came up this month were all crammed close to each other. It has left Sean very little time to process things. He has become reserved and quiet. He sits on his computer, playing Mass Effect multiplayer or watching YouTube videos as a distraction. Video games and YouTube videos have always been his go to things when he needs a distraction.
I have done my best to distract him. Ironically using another upcoming Anniversary date (a happy one) as my ammo. It has only helped a little.
It is difficult as the Caregiver and wife to sit by and watch him this way. Our son has asked him to play some video games with him but my husband has had to decline because his frame of mind isn't well. I've done my best to explain to Layn about what is going on and he tries to understand with his six year old mind. We have been blessed with a pretty compassionate child, but I know it doesn't make things any less difficult for him either. Of course due to Sean's inability to give our son the attention he requests it adds to his guilt.
When Anniversaries like this come up it puts me in a kind of inner struggle. Should I do more to help distract Sean? Should I leave him to work through it? Is there a balance of what I can do to help as well as let him work through what he needs to do? How can I make the children better understand? Then of course my own guilt in not being able to help much kicks in. It is a very annoying cycle that goes on in my own mind so I can only imagine what kind of cycle Sean's mind struggles with.
In the end though I usually settle for helping him talk through what he is feeling since bottling things up has never proved helpful. I give him the space he needs but at the same time show him the support too. When he feels ready, he talks. I've always felt communication is key in any relationship, but it really and I do stress on the REALLY helps us in our situation. I find when Sean can give me some insight of what is going on in his head, it helps me to be better able to guide him through the difficult times. When I am honest about how things are going for me, it allows him to find ways to be helpful during the times he feels alright enough to help. It brings back some balance to the relationship, balance that usually gets taken away when someone is disabled.
So, we had a chat. He mentioned how if someone like that Army psychologist could succumb to his PTSD what does that say about someone like him? He wondered if releasing his own inner demons years ago to this guy, ended up contributing to it? He talked about Kreider. He mentioned how he didn't think it was fair that he has a family and children and at times happy life and Kreider will never experience that. He even talked about how he is trying to not let it bother him so much, but it still seems to.
Then I shared my wisdom. I told him that we don't know what the psychologist's situation was. He may have lacked the support system Sean has. I doubt Sean's demons contributed because this was many years ago. Most likely the guy struggled to deal with his own demons while also possibly dealing with others' demons too and his mind lacked the ability to process it all. Either way we don't know, anything we could come up with would be pure speculation and it does no good to dwell on that. As for Kreider, it is difficult to not let it bother you. I asked him if he had been in Kreider's place, would he have not wanted Kreider to live a happy full life just because he could not? It is okay to move forward in life and to find happiness. The memory of those we have lost will always be with us and we will honor those people, but I personally believe that they would not want us to forget to live in our mourning of the loss of them.
It will always be tough to lose someone, especially when they are so young. It touches so many people in so many ways. Today is a day of remembrance for so many Blue Spaders like my husband and like every other Anniversary on the calendar it will be one day that is never forgotten.
Kreider may not be here with us today, but he lives on in his family, his friends, and his fellow Blue Spader brothers and he always will!
So, even though not every Anniversary we come across on the calendar is a happy one and we may have to treat these days by walking on eggshells, they are still days we must face.
And I won't let Sean face his alone.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Something For Me
I'm not much of a contest person. I seldom ever enter anything and when I do I don't exactly advertise it. So, for those Facebook contests where you need like a billion "likes" to win, I'm lucky if I ever get one "like". I'm not against contests, I just don't exactly make the efforts to win them so I don't bother. I guess you could say I'm not much of a self promoter. It is probably a good reason why I only have a handful of followers on this blog where other similar blogs have tons of followers.
I write this blog kind of like a diary but also to send out a message. Some of my posts are just me letting off some steam. Others are me trying to explain something that could be helpful to others. I'm okay with being one of the little people so to speak in the World of PTSD and Caregiving. I get to pass on some of my wisdom and help in smaller ways while still also maintaining some of my privacy.
In fact as a side note I was sent an e-mail last week from a CNN reporter wanting to talk to me regarding my experience as a Caregiver and using the VA Caregiver Program. I e-mailed her back but haven't heard anything further. Part of me doesn't expect to hear anymore. Another part wonders if I will hear something. Honestly, whether I do get contacted again or not I was just surprised I was even contacted at all. Not that I don't believe my words aren't getting around even in some small way, just that I didn't figure my words reached quite that far that a CNN reporter would be interested in talking to me.
Anyway, I digress.
Back to me and contests.
I actually entered one of those "Like my Photo" Facebook contests recently, but I doubt anyone really knew. As I said above, I don't advertise that I do those things when I do them. By the end of the contest I had 2 "likes". The top two photos had 274 and 269 "likes", just to give some perspective. Was I upset? No, because I pretty much figured if I didn't bother to get out there and get people to "like" my photo then how could I expect to win?
Well about a month ago a new Facebook page was created called Care-Packages By Kate. It was set up by this lovely lady who thought it would be an awesome thing to help boost Caregiver morale by doing giveaways of care packages. I mean honestly, who doesn't like free goodies of the "pick me up" variety? She started it completely out of her own pocket and within a month as expanded so much she gets donations and such now to help create these care packages. She has even done some for the disabled veterans too.
Now speaking as a Caregiver who doesn't get out much, this page helps bring a sense of togetherness that is very much needed for many. I don't mean just with support but in a more being social sense. When she does the giveaways she always has you answer a question that gives a bit of insight to yourself. She also has you check out other support pages and helps with spreading more awareness for disabled veterans and their loved ones. I mean I could be having an absolutely horrible day but when I see one of her giveaways go up it really just boosts one mood even for a few minutes.
Anyway, the reason I am bringing this up is because since her page has become so popular she decided to do the first ever Beautiful Caregivers Pageant. Here is a video advertising the event.
She even wrote up a blog post giving all of the details and such, which you can find here.
Now I'm going to be honest here. I have never dealt with pageants and so I don't know much about them. I know what little I have come across based on reality shows like "Toddlers & Tiaras", but even then it is very limited knowledge as I don't watch the shows. The thing is the Beautiful Caregivers Pageant isn't about being the prettiest or the most talented. It is about being yourself and loving yourself. It's about showing off your inner beauty as well as your outer beauty.
Now that is something I can get behind!
So, I decided that I would enter it. I've already filled out the registration questions and sent them in. Once I get paid at the end of the week I shall send in my deposit fee. This is one of those chances to do something for myself. Even Sean will tell you I don't do for me nearly as much as I do for him and the children. I will more often than not sacrifice something for myself so that my family can have something they need or want. I've always felt their happiness was important and if they were happy then I would be. About the only thing I would really indulge in for myself are my Damsel Corsets and well if anyone remembers this blog post from two years ago, then you will know those are necessary for my sanity and to keep me going! Plus I feel ever since overcoming my Chemical Burn issue from a couple years ago I deserve something fun like this to show off on.
I know Sean is supportive of me entering and I do feel that it will be fun and I can get his and the children's help on it!
Really though, if you are a Caregiver to a disabled veteran or you know someone who is I would definitely check out the above Facebook page and even the pageant too!
I write this blog kind of like a diary but also to send out a message. Some of my posts are just me letting off some steam. Others are me trying to explain something that could be helpful to others. I'm okay with being one of the little people so to speak in the World of PTSD and Caregiving. I get to pass on some of my wisdom and help in smaller ways while still also maintaining some of my privacy.
In fact as a side note I was sent an e-mail last week from a CNN reporter wanting to talk to me regarding my experience as a Caregiver and using the VA Caregiver Program. I e-mailed her back but haven't heard anything further. Part of me doesn't expect to hear anymore. Another part wonders if I will hear something. Honestly, whether I do get contacted again or not I was just surprised I was even contacted at all. Not that I don't believe my words aren't getting around even in some small way, just that I didn't figure my words reached quite that far that a CNN reporter would be interested in talking to me.
Anyway, I digress.
Back to me and contests.
I actually entered one of those "Like my Photo" Facebook contests recently, but I doubt anyone really knew. As I said above, I don't advertise that I do those things when I do them. By the end of the contest I had 2 "likes". The top two photos had 274 and 269 "likes", just to give some perspective. Was I upset? No, because I pretty much figured if I didn't bother to get out there and get people to "like" my photo then how could I expect to win?
Well about a month ago a new Facebook page was created called Care-Packages By Kate. It was set up by this lovely lady who thought it would be an awesome thing to help boost Caregiver morale by doing giveaways of care packages. I mean honestly, who doesn't like free goodies of the "pick me up" variety? She started it completely out of her own pocket and within a month as expanded so much she gets donations and such now to help create these care packages. She has even done some for the disabled veterans too.
Now speaking as a Caregiver who doesn't get out much, this page helps bring a sense of togetherness that is very much needed for many. I don't mean just with support but in a more being social sense. When she does the giveaways she always has you answer a question that gives a bit of insight to yourself. She also has you check out other support pages and helps with spreading more awareness for disabled veterans and their loved ones. I mean I could be having an absolutely horrible day but when I see one of her giveaways go up it really just boosts one mood even for a few minutes.
Anyway, the reason I am bringing this up is because since her page has become so popular she decided to do the first ever Beautiful Caregivers Pageant. Here is a video advertising the event.
She even wrote up a blog post giving all of the details and such, which you can find here.
Now I'm going to be honest here. I have never dealt with pageants and so I don't know much about them. I know what little I have come across based on reality shows like "Toddlers & Tiaras", but even then it is very limited knowledge as I don't watch the shows. The thing is the Beautiful Caregivers Pageant isn't about being the prettiest or the most talented. It is about being yourself and loving yourself. It's about showing off your inner beauty as well as your outer beauty.
Now that is something I can get behind!
So, I decided that I would enter it. I've already filled out the registration questions and sent them in. Once I get paid at the end of the week I shall send in my deposit fee. This is one of those chances to do something for myself. Even Sean will tell you I don't do for me nearly as much as I do for him and the children. I will more often than not sacrifice something for myself so that my family can have something they need or want. I've always felt their happiness was important and if they were happy then I would be. About the only thing I would really indulge in for myself are my Damsel Corsets and well if anyone remembers this blog post from two years ago, then you will know those are necessary for my sanity and to keep me going! Plus I feel ever since overcoming my Chemical Burn issue from a couple years ago I deserve something fun like this to show off on.
I know Sean is supportive of me entering and I do feel that it will be fun and I can get his and the children's help on it!
Really though, if you are a Caregiver to a disabled veteran or you know someone who is I would definitely check out the above Facebook page and even the pageant too!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Standing Still
I have recently reached that point again in my life. The one where I have so many things on my to do list that I have no idea where to start and that overwhelming doom begins to sink in. That panic of, "How am I going to do all of this?" that wears down the mind and leaves a person drained and thus unmotivated to bother starting.
So, I stand still.
I stand still in hopes that the answer will magically appear. That by some chance some of the things I need to do will somehow be completed and I won't have to worry about them. That time has jumped forward to when other tasks will be done and I am left without the burdens of figuring out how I shall tackle it.
The problem is none of that happens of course. Nothing is getting done. There aren't little pixies hiding away waiting for me to phase out so they can take care of my business and allow me to be surprised. No, as long as I just stand there doing nothing that is all I need to expect because that is all that is going on. Absolutely nothing.
Of course then I realize because I wasted time doing nothing, I have even less time to handle the things I need to do, at least the ones with a deadline. That is when the panic kicks in. Those distressed emotions that hit me like a stampede and knock me to the ground leaving me in tears.
Now not only have I wasted time and nothing has gotten done, but I feel awful too.
This isn't a very fun cycle. It usually ends with Sean trying to give me a pep talk to remind me of how awesome I am and how I tackle a great deal already so it's okay when I fall behind on other things. In an effort to pick myself up I create a plan to try and get back on task. This lasts until I realize my to do list is never ending and that panic sets in again and I stop.
So, how does one keep themselves going? How does one keep from letting things become so overwhelming they panic?
It is tricky.
See, I use to be able to use a few little habits that I would implement in my days to help give me little "breaks" so I wouldn't feel the chaos quite so potently.
The problem is those habit just don't work anymore.
I wrote a post a couple years back talking about how I had given up one of my habits for Lent and the results were, well bad. You can find the post here in case you haven't seen it before. Anyway it came to my realization that I needed to maintain the habit in order to keep from losing my mind. This is the same as the panic I mentioned above. However, when I realized very recently that my old habits are not working anymore to help me keep myself going, I found the thought of it alone leading me on the path to panic.
What am I suppose to do? I need something to keep me in control of myself and I really, really don't want to resort to medication. I have struggled with the World of medication and anyone who recalls my Chemical Burn Saga should know what I mean.
So, the stand still I have been dealing with the last few days left me with time to think.
Despite watching the hours fly by and knowing I have so much to do, I haven't done a thing but think.
I've come to realize, that my old habits aren't working anymore because I need something else. Fanfiction doesn't give me the mental escape it use to because I now need an actual escape. I need to be able to seek out a different environment sometimes for a little bit where there are no demands on me in order to feel refreshed. Facebook and World of Warcraft don't give me the socialization they use to because now I need to actually get out and socialize. I need to have people I can ramble at on the phone or go hang out with. I need someone I can physically touch so that I can get a hug if I need it and a shoulder to cry on if I need it. Sean does the best he can to be there for me (when he can on his better days) and he is the only thing I have to a best friend, but I am still female who needs that female companionship I can seek out, who understands female emotions and thought processes.
I've shut myself up in my home for so many years now that I have turned into this shy little recluse and I don't quite know how to reach out.
I do know there are a few things I can do to try and help myself, but I actually have to work on them. In order to get out more I really need to learn to drive and that will be a feat in of itself. As for the other, I know once we return to Florida it will be much easier, but that is still a year and a half away as long as plans don't change.
So, what am I going to do for now? I can't just keep standing still.
So, I stand still.
I stand still in hopes that the answer will magically appear. That by some chance some of the things I need to do will somehow be completed and I won't have to worry about them. That time has jumped forward to when other tasks will be done and I am left without the burdens of figuring out how I shall tackle it.
The problem is none of that happens of course. Nothing is getting done. There aren't little pixies hiding away waiting for me to phase out so they can take care of my business and allow me to be surprised. No, as long as I just stand there doing nothing that is all I need to expect because that is all that is going on. Absolutely nothing.
Of course then I realize because I wasted time doing nothing, I have even less time to handle the things I need to do, at least the ones with a deadline. That is when the panic kicks in. Those distressed emotions that hit me like a stampede and knock me to the ground leaving me in tears.
Now not only have I wasted time and nothing has gotten done, but I feel awful too.
This isn't a very fun cycle. It usually ends with Sean trying to give me a pep talk to remind me of how awesome I am and how I tackle a great deal already so it's okay when I fall behind on other things. In an effort to pick myself up I create a plan to try and get back on task. This lasts until I realize my to do list is never ending and that panic sets in again and I stop.
So, how does one keep themselves going? How does one keep from letting things become so overwhelming they panic?
It is tricky.
See, I use to be able to use a few little habits that I would implement in my days to help give me little "breaks" so I wouldn't feel the chaos quite so potently.
The problem is those habit just don't work anymore.
I wrote a post a couple years back talking about how I had given up one of my habits for Lent and the results were, well bad. You can find the post here in case you haven't seen it before. Anyway it came to my realization that I needed to maintain the habit in order to keep from losing my mind. This is the same as the panic I mentioned above. However, when I realized very recently that my old habits are not working anymore to help me keep myself going, I found the thought of it alone leading me on the path to panic.
What am I suppose to do? I need something to keep me in control of myself and I really, really don't want to resort to medication. I have struggled with the World of medication and anyone who recalls my Chemical Burn Saga should know what I mean.
So, the stand still I have been dealing with the last few days left me with time to think.
Despite watching the hours fly by and knowing I have so much to do, I haven't done a thing but think.
I've come to realize, that my old habits aren't working anymore because I need something else. Fanfiction doesn't give me the mental escape it use to because I now need an actual escape. I need to be able to seek out a different environment sometimes for a little bit where there are no demands on me in order to feel refreshed. Facebook and World of Warcraft don't give me the socialization they use to because now I need to actually get out and socialize. I need to have people I can ramble at on the phone or go hang out with. I need someone I can physically touch so that I can get a hug if I need it and a shoulder to cry on if I need it. Sean does the best he can to be there for me (when he can on his better days) and he is the only thing I have to a best friend, but I am still female who needs that female companionship I can seek out, who understands female emotions and thought processes.
I've shut myself up in my home for so many years now that I have turned into this shy little recluse and I don't quite know how to reach out.
I do know there are a few things I can do to try and help myself, but I actually have to work on them. In order to get out more I really need to learn to drive and that will be a feat in of itself. As for the other, I know once we return to Florida it will be much easier, but that is still a year and a half away as long as plans don't change.
So, what am I going to do for now? I can't just keep standing still.
Monday, February 11, 2013
The "Caregiver Look"
This my friends is what I term my "Caregiver Look".
This is a woman who is tired from little sleep/restless sleep.
A woman whose hair is getting greasy cause she hasn't had a moment to take a shower in a few days.
A woman whose face is breaking out because she has been too tired or busy to keep up with her face cleansing regime.
A woman still in her pjs because there isn't a point in getting dressed if she is stuck in the house all day.
A woman who is feeling a bit overwhelmed and stressed because she has a ton of things on her to do list but can never get to them all because she gets other interruptions she must handle.
A woman who isn't smiling because she is home, taking care of everything and doesn't need to put on a face for the outside World.
A woman who hasn't left her house in quite sometime because she lacks the time/ability/inclination to do so.
A woman who doesn't get a break because not only is she a mom but a Caregiver too.
I am sharing this because it shows exactly the kind of day to day toll a Caregiver to a disabled veteran goes through. I'm not looking for people to pity me or tell me how sorry they are. I am merely showing that when the soldier or veteran return home, life doesn't always go back to normal. Life doesn't always get better.
For some of us, life becomes more difficult. Life adds more stress. For some of us, life takes a direction outsiders will never understand.
We lose friends. We lose family. We lose normalcy. Some of us even lose ourselves.
Our veterans and soldiers come home and can't always handle the things they use to. They can't always show us the affection they once did. They can't relate to other people, let alone their loved ones. They can't be who they were before.
So, we try to do what we can to make them feel like life is still worth living.
We give them extra love. We show them extra support. We let ourselves sacrifice things to help them see they are worth it to us.
They come home from battle, but our battle just begins!
Am, I unhappy?
Some days, maybe. Overall, no.
I feel my battle is worth the fight!
I feel my family is worth fighting the war!
I feel my veteran deserves everything I can give him!
So, what if I spend some days and sometimes weeks looking like a zombie as i get through each day?
I feel the sacrifices I make are worth it.
*As a side note though for any and all caregivers of any kind out there. No matter what sacrifices you choose to make in your "job" as a Caregiver, remember that if you don't take care of yourself first and foremost then you will be no good to take care of anyone else!*
This is a woman who is tired from little sleep/restless sleep.
A woman whose hair is getting greasy cause she hasn't had a moment to take a shower in a few days.
A woman whose face is breaking out because she has been too tired or busy to keep up with her face cleansing regime.
A woman still in her pjs because there isn't a point in getting dressed if she is stuck in the house all day.
A woman who is feeling a bit overwhelmed and stressed because she has a ton of things on her to do list but can never get to them all because she gets other interruptions she must handle.
A woman who isn't smiling because she is home, taking care of everything and doesn't need to put on a face for the outside World.
A woman who hasn't left her house in quite sometime because she lacks the time/ability/inclination to do so.
A woman who doesn't get a break because not only is she a mom but a Caregiver too.
I am sharing this because it shows exactly the kind of day to day toll a Caregiver to a disabled veteran goes through. I'm not looking for people to pity me or tell me how sorry they are. I am merely showing that when the soldier or veteran return home, life doesn't always go back to normal. Life doesn't always get better.
For some of us, life becomes more difficult. Life adds more stress. For some of us, life takes a direction outsiders will never understand.
We lose friends. We lose family. We lose normalcy. Some of us even lose ourselves.
Our veterans and soldiers come home and can't always handle the things they use to. They can't always show us the affection they once did. They can't relate to other people, let alone their loved ones. They can't be who they were before.
So, we try to do what we can to make them feel like life is still worth living.
We give them extra love. We show them extra support. We let ourselves sacrifice things to help them see they are worth it to us.
They come home from battle, but our battle just begins!
Am, I unhappy?
Some days, maybe. Overall, no.
I feel my battle is worth the fight!
I feel my family is worth fighting the war!
I feel my veteran deserves everything I can give him!
So, what if I spend some days and sometimes weeks looking like a zombie as i get through each day?
I feel the sacrifices I make are worth it.
*As a side note though for any and all caregivers of any kind out there. No matter what sacrifices you choose to make in your "job" as a Caregiver, remember that if you don't take care of yourself first and foremost then you will be no good to take care of anyone else!*
Friday, February 8, 2013
Ever Have to Eat Your Words?
Not sure how many people knows this, outside of those who know my husband and I personally, but we grew up in South Florida. Nice ol' Sunny Florida, where people go hang out at the beach and category 3 hurricanes are slept through.
I use to hate the fact that I never got to see Autumn or Winter down there. Though I don't dislike the beach I wasn't one of those people who liked to go every weekend. In fact I stayed inside a great deal cause I couldn't stand the heat. I use to always say to anyone who would listen that once I moved away from there, I would never go back.
Whelp, that was my mistake.
Fast forward to my life today.
I have lived here in upstate NY for over seven years now. I really like the area, I live in a nice small village. It is great to see Autumn too as it is my favorite season.
The thing is, well there are quite a few things actually. Even though I like it here, there have been issues that have made it not as enjoyable to live here as it was when we first came.
First off, the winters here are rough. They are very long. They usually have tons of snow and they can get pretty bitter cold. Those things alone make it difficult for the average person, let alone Sean who feels that bitter cold so acutely in his body where his injuries were. This makes him hurt more than usual and thus not as able to do things as he would like. Being buried in snow means shoveling or using a snow blower and that of course means either Sean does it and hurts even more, or I take my wimpy behind out there and attempt to move the snow. That sentence might make you laugh but you haven't seen me try to lift an area rug either. The story behind that will be a running joke in my family until I die I am sure.
Needless to say, having grown up in Florida where we have never dealt with snow, even after seven years of dealing with it, we still can't get use to it.
Sean started to really complain about the winters after the first year or so. In the beginning it was more grumbles because once Spring and Summer came he was more pleasant about his remarks. Then we had a couple winters where parking was a bit limited for us do to living in an apartment and thus one year our car got buried in snow and we ended up paying the local police officer's pay checks that winter with all the parking tickets we got. The next winter we played musical parking to avoid tickets. Then when we bought our house that was where snow shoveling and ice scraping became habit. That was when Sean had a huge blow up over trying to chip a thick layer of ice off his windshield. Winters from then on have been nothing but a nightmare as far as Sean as been concerned. For me, this winter has been the one to take it's hardest toll on me. It might have something to do with negative temperatures, broken furnace, and frozen pipes, but who knows, right?
The next issue at hand is the isolation up here. We have lived here all these years and haven't really made many friends. We have our two neighbors that are great but due to their lives and ours we don't exactly hang out much. The one time we had someone to hang out with was Sean's Army buddy who we helped move here, adopted him as honorary family, had him live with us for a bit, helped him get on his feet, and after a few years he moved to a different state. So, we had some socialization then but since the guy moved away it has gone back to feeling isolated. The long winters with the children cooped up in the house doesn't help that feeling either. I've used things like Facebook and World of Warcraft to help with socialization but it only goes so far. These last few years have really taken a toll on my mental health and I am sure it has been noticed.
There are a handful of other little reasons but no need to get into them right now.
Sean and I have discussed moving in the past, I know I wrote about it before too. He would complain and exclaim how he wants out of this State. He would ask that we return to Florida, I would tell him hell no. We would discuss other options. We talked about moving to Virginia for a bit. We talked about moving to Washington State for a bit. Though every chance he got, Sean would try and talk me into Florida again, but I wouldn't listen to him at all. Florida was on my "Never Again" list, carved in stone, penned over with permanent marker, baked in the oven, sealant sprayed over top of that, and well you get the idea, it wasn't coming off that list no matter how many Brillo pads or Magic Erasers I had!
Then this past Christmas we decided to go down to Florida to visit with some of Sean's family and some of our old friends. The trip went pretty well minus a few issues where we couldn't see some people. In fact it was so nice seeing some of those friends, I think Sean felt he finally had his way in.
Our drive home was basically spent discussing why moving back to Florida would be good for us.
To be near friends again.
To be near some of Sean's family, who the children don't get to see as often up here.
There is still some of my family down there.
Never have to deal with snow or the cold.
Just a few reasons on the list.
Sean felt certain I would say no again. Shoot, many of my friends were sure I was done with Florida. However, as Sean made his points and I mulled it over, REALLY mulled it over in my head I began to realize that after all of this time, he may be right. Yeah, I hate the heat, but I lived in it for like 16 years, so I can do it again. The children wouldn't have to be cooped up half a year and for my children that is saying something as they love to go outside and play. To be near friends again, well it would really be awesome. Plus some of my friends have children now as well, possible playmates for my children. Sean likes the familiarity of down there too.
I found myself mentally reciting lyrics by Tears for Fears, "Time to eat all your words, swallow your pride, open your eyes."
Granted the lyrics weren't exactly describing my case, but the first part and the last part were definitely relevant. The point is I began to realize that all this time Sean was right.
Just wanted to pause here, I said Sean was right, just wanted to check and see if you could hear or visualize the victory dance he did when I told him this? I am sure someone besides me heard it.
So, we made a new plan. A plan to go back to where we grew up. A plan to try and give our family a better future. A place where Sean and I can try and get out more to help our mental health.
Of course this could all backfire and Sean could PTSD all over South Florida like the next hurricane.
All I know is this, we have to get out of New York. It wasn't the most horrible experience, we've had some good memories here. It is just obviously not the place for us. So, I've set up our budget to save up for a move as well as save up for fixing this place up so we can sell it. I have made a plan to go through everything we own to try and downsize some of the bulk so we won't have as much to drag south.
You know, since we came back from our trip both children have mentioned Florida and wanting to go back at least once a day. Either it is to go back and see the beach. Go back to see their grandparents. Go back and see some of our friends. They have all sorts of reasons, but they always talk about wanting to go back. I take it as a sign.
Oh and I already told Sean, the first palmetto bug that comes across my path is going to end up in his coffee! ~shudders~
I use to hate the fact that I never got to see Autumn or Winter down there. Though I don't dislike the beach I wasn't one of those people who liked to go every weekend. In fact I stayed inside a great deal cause I couldn't stand the heat. I use to always say to anyone who would listen that once I moved away from there, I would never go back.
Whelp, that was my mistake.
Fast forward to my life today.
I have lived here in upstate NY for over seven years now. I really like the area, I live in a nice small village. It is great to see Autumn too as it is my favorite season.
The thing is, well there are quite a few things actually. Even though I like it here, there have been issues that have made it not as enjoyable to live here as it was when we first came.
First off, the winters here are rough. They are very long. They usually have tons of snow and they can get pretty bitter cold. Those things alone make it difficult for the average person, let alone Sean who feels that bitter cold so acutely in his body where his injuries were. This makes him hurt more than usual and thus not as able to do things as he would like. Being buried in snow means shoveling or using a snow blower and that of course means either Sean does it and hurts even more, or I take my wimpy behind out there and attempt to move the snow. That sentence might make you laugh but you haven't seen me try to lift an area rug either. The story behind that will be a running joke in my family until I die I am sure.
Needless to say, having grown up in Florida where we have never dealt with snow, even after seven years of dealing with it, we still can't get use to it.
Sean started to really complain about the winters after the first year or so. In the beginning it was more grumbles because once Spring and Summer came he was more pleasant about his remarks. Then we had a couple winters where parking was a bit limited for us do to living in an apartment and thus one year our car got buried in snow and we ended up paying the local police officer's pay checks that winter with all the parking tickets we got. The next winter we played musical parking to avoid tickets. Then when we bought our house that was where snow shoveling and ice scraping became habit. That was when Sean had a huge blow up over trying to chip a thick layer of ice off his windshield. Winters from then on have been nothing but a nightmare as far as Sean as been concerned. For me, this winter has been the one to take it's hardest toll on me. It might have something to do with negative temperatures, broken furnace, and frozen pipes, but who knows, right?
The next issue at hand is the isolation up here. We have lived here all these years and haven't really made many friends. We have our two neighbors that are great but due to their lives and ours we don't exactly hang out much. The one time we had someone to hang out with was Sean's Army buddy who we helped move here, adopted him as honorary family, had him live with us for a bit, helped him get on his feet, and after a few years he moved to a different state. So, we had some socialization then but since the guy moved away it has gone back to feeling isolated. The long winters with the children cooped up in the house doesn't help that feeling either. I've used things like Facebook and World of Warcraft to help with socialization but it only goes so far. These last few years have really taken a toll on my mental health and I am sure it has been noticed.
There are a handful of other little reasons but no need to get into them right now.
Sean and I have discussed moving in the past, I know I wrote about it before too. He would complain and exclaim how he wants out of this State. He would ask that we return to Florida, I would tell him hell no. We would discuss other options. We talked about moving to Virginia for a bit. We talked about moving to Washington State for a bit. Though every chance he got, Sean would try and talk me into Florida again, but I wouldn't listen to him at all. Florida was on my "Never Again" list, carved in stone, penned over with permanent marker, baked in the oven, sealant sprayed over top of that, and well you get the idea, it wasn't coming off that list no matter how many Brillo pads or Magic Erasers I had!
Then this past Christmas we decided to go down to Florida to visit with some of Sean's family and some of our old friends. The trip went pretty well minus a few issues where we couldn't see some people. In fact it was so nice seeing some of those friends, I think Sean felt he finally had his way in.
Our drive home was basically spent discussing why moving back to Florida would be good for us.
To be near friends again.
To be near some of Sean's family, who the children don't get to see as often up here.
There is still some of my family down there.
Never have to deal with snow or the cold.
Just a few reasons on the list.
Sean felt certain I would say no again. Shoot, many of my friends were sure I was done with Florida. However, as Sean made his points and I mulled it over, REALLY mulled it over in my head I began to realize that after all of this time, he may be right. Yeah, I hate the heat, but I lived in it for like 16 years, so I can do it again. The children wouldn't have to be cooped up half a year and for my children that is saying something as they love to go outside and play. To be near friends again, well it would really be awesome. Plus some of my friends have children now as well, possible playmates for my children. Sean likes the familiarity of down there too.
I found myself mentally reciting lyrics by Tears for Fears, "Time to eat all your words, swallow your pride, open your eyes."
Granted the lyrics weren't exactly describing my case, but the first part and the last part were definitely relevant. The point is I began to realize that all this time Sean was right.
Just wanted to pause here, I said Sean was right, just wanted to check and see if you could hear or visualize the victory dance he did when I told him this? I am sure someone besides me heard it.
So, we made a new plan. A plan to go back to where we grew up. A plan to try and give our family a better future. A place where Sean and I can try and get out more to help our mental health.
Of course this could all backfire and Sean could PTSD all over South Florida like the next hurricane.
All I know is this, we have to get out of New York. It wasn't the most horrible experience, we've had some good memories here. It is just obviously not the place for us. So, I've set up our budget to save up for a move as well as save up for fixing this place up so we can sell it. I have made a plan to go through everything we own to try and downsize some of the bulk so we won't have as much to drag south.
You know, since we came back from our trip both children have mentioned Florida and wanting to go back at least once a day. Either it is to go back and see the beach. Go back to see their grandparents. Go back and see some of our friends. They have all sorts of reasons, but they always talk about wanting to go back. I take it as a sign.
Oh and I already told Sean, the first palmetto bug that comes across my path is going to end up in his coffee! ~shudders~
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