Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Standing Still

I have recently reached that point again in my life. The one where I have so many things on my to do list that I have no idea where to start and that overwhelming doom begins to sink in. That panic of, "How am I going to do all of this?" that wears down the mind and leaves a person drained and thus unmotivated to bother starting.

So, I stand still.

I stand still in hopes that the answer will magically appear. That by some chance some of the things I need to do will somehow be completed and I won't have to worry about them. That time has jumped forward to when other tasks will be done and I am left without the burdens of figuring out how I shall tackle it.

The problem is none of that happens of course. Nothing is getting done. There aren't little pixies hiding away waiting for me to phase out so they can take care of my business and allow me to be surprised. No, as long as I just stand there doing nothing that is all I need to expect because that is all that is going on. Absolutely nothing.

Of course then I realize because I wasted time doing nothing, I have even less time to handle the things I need to do, at least the ones with a deadline. That is when the panic kicks in. Those distressed emotions that hit me like a stampede and knock me to the ground leaving me in tears.

Now not only have I wasted time and nothing has gotten done, but I feel awful too.

This isn't a very fun cycle. It usually ends with Sean trying to give me a pep talk to remind me of how awesome I am and how I tackle a great deal already so it's okay when I fall behind on other things. In an effort to pick myself up I create a plan to try and get back on task. This lasts until I realize my to do list is never ending and that panic sets in again and I stop.

So, how does one keep themselves going? How does one keep from letting things become so overwhelming they panic?

It is tricky.

See, I use to be able to use a few little habits that I would implement in my days to help give me little "breaks" so I wouldn't feel the chaos quite so potently.

The problem is those habit just don't work anymore.

I wrote a post a couple years back talking about how I had given up one of my habits for Lent and the results were, well bad. You can find the post here in case you haven't seen it before. Anyway it came to my realization that I needed to maintain the habit in order to keep from losing my mind. This is the same as the panic I mentioned above. However, when I realized very recently that my old habits are not working anymore to help me keep myself going, I found the thought of it alone leading me on the path to panic.

What am I suppose to do? I need something to keep me in control of myself and I really, really don't want to resort to medication. I have struggled with the World of medication and anyone who recalls my Chemical Burn Saga should know what I mean.

So, the stand still I have been dealing with the last few days left me with time to think.

Despite watching the hours fly by and knowing I have so much to do, I haven't done a thing but think.

I've come to realize, that my old habits aren't working anymore because I need something else. Fanfiction doesn't give me the mental escape it use to because I now need an actual escape. I need to be able to seek out a different environment sometimes for a little bit where there are no demands on me in order to feel refreshed. Facebook and World of Warcraft don't give me the socialization they use to because now I need to actually get out and socialize. I need to have people I can ramble at on the phone or go hang out with. I need someone I can physically touch so that I can get a hug if I need it and a shoulder to cry on if I need it. Sean does the best he can to be there for me (when he can on his better days) and he is the only thing I have to a best friend, but I am still female who needs that female companionship I can seek out, who understands female emotions and thought processes.

I've shut myself up in my home for so many years now that I have turned into this shy little recluse and I don't quite know how to reach out.

I do know there are a few things I can do to try and help myself, but I actually have to work on them. In order to get out more I really need to learn to drive and that will be a feat in of itself. As for the other, I know once we return to Florida it will be much easier, but that is still a year and a half away as long as plans don't change.

So, what am I going to do for now? I can't just keep standing still.

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