Sunday, September 29, 2013

This Is Me

I'm not a writer.  I love writing, truly, but I am no writer.

I don't have these constant stories or thoughts flowing through my head that my fingers are just aching to get out.  I don't shut myself away as I while away in front of a keyboard spewing out sentences that have been begging to be put in writing.  I've often said I wanted to be a writer but I've never been able to complete a full book and most of the short things I write I'm sure seem rather novice.  I do write this blog, but I wouldn't call myself a blogger either as I have no steady flow.  I could seek out ways to improve my skills, but...

I'm not a seamstress.  I love hand sewing, but my skills are limited and everything is self taught.

I've only ever made Barbie dresses and purses and though I love what I have made I don't find it worthy of being sold.  Gifting the items, sure but not worth a profit.  There is much I could still learn, using a sewing machine would be one, but...

I'm not a baker.  I love baking new things, but I don't make anything that looks fancy.

I have a huge sweet tooth and am always seeking out new yummy recipes to bake.  Except I don't bake to make things look like works of art or cute.  I bake to make something tasty to eat.  You don't see my children taking cupcakes to school that look like their favorite cartoon characters.  I just don't get that artsy with my food.  I could watch videos or take a class to learn but...

This is what I am.

I am a Wife.

I am a Mother.

I am a Caregiver.

I am simply Aimee.

I have a slew of things I can do, but nothing I can say I am proficient at.  I have many things I love but I have no passions.  I dabble in a variety of things but I don't place all my focus on one thing and try and excel at it.

This doesn't mean I could never learn to improve any of my skills and some of the things I know I hope to one day become more proficient at.  See, I have often heard that if you want to do something bad enough you won't make excuses, you will go for it.

I agree and disagree with this.  

Yes, if you truly want something then it is a good thing to go ahead and try to get it instead of sitting around talking about it.  However, I think people forget that life doesn't always work that way.  Sometimes lack of money holds you back or even lack of time.  To that argument I have heard that one would make time to do the things they want, but sometimes we can't make time.  It is true.

As a Caregiver I spend so much of my time keeping up with my husband and children that I get little time to myself.  Then those few times where I try and give myself a break I find that it means I have to sacrifice things like, cleaning the house.  Then I end up with a messy house on top of caregiving and anyone can tell you clutter just adds to one's mental stress.  So, even though I try and take a break to help decompress from the stress of being a Caregiver I end up adding to that same stress later by getting backed up on something else.  You can double this if any kind of emergency or disaster occurs.  In our case the flood that happened this Summer.  I still can't seem to get ahead of that.

Now am I blaming being a Caregiver?  Am I saying being a Caregiver is holding me back from doing the things I want?

Absolutely not!

I CHOOSE to be a Caregiver.  I chose to live this life and because of that I chose to make certain sacrifices.  I am not unhappy.  This life isn't always easy and it certainly isn't stress free, but it doesn't make me unhappy.

I am the kind of person who has learned to enjoy the little things in life as well as the big ones.  I have learned to not weight my skills against other people's because I know we all have things we excel at and things that just aren't our cups of tea.  When we have good days at home I use that to do the things I enjoy and when we have bad days I let those things rest.  It keeps me from getting burnt out on all the things I love.

I am simply happy just living life each day and seeing it where it takes me.  Some days it takes me to a dark cave and others it takes me to a walk in a park.  It is the beauty of life.

Being a Caregiver and learning to live life the way I do isn't an easy choice and it can mean a very difficult path.  However, it is my choice and I have no regrets.

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